Thursday, August 28, 2008

Happy F***ing Birthday To Me

(It annoys me a bit to have to use the asterisks but I don't know if the site will censor profanity.)

Anyway, today is my birthday. At some point, I'll have to go in and change the age in my profile...wouldn't want anyone to think that I'm lying about my age. Especially since I don't really care. It didn't bother me to turn 30. It won't bother me to turn 40. The only thing that is causing some anxiety is that I've said that I'll buzz my head on my 40th birthday. At the rate I'm losing it, there likely won't be much left to buzz but the idea that it will officially be over...officially past "a little hair loss" and beyond "a bit balding" and full on, unadulterated old and bald (I'll most likely still be overweight so adding "fat" in there is just icing on the cake, which is partially responsible for the fat condition, ironically.)

Kevin and I started out the day with an arguement. Quite rightly, he's irritated and fed up me. I have an uncanny ability to make bad decisions and use poor judgement. I don't really know when I became that person. Kev has a well defined sense of right and wrong and I, inevitably, end up on the wrong side. I often wish that I could live up to his expectation but I also realize that it's never going to happen. I'm having a very difficult time right now...there seems to be more than a handful of things happening simultaneously that aren't necessarily pleasant. Some, I have no control over, some are direct results of the aforementioned bad judgement and some are just a mystery...I'm assuming that the latter is a combination of the other two.

It would be cathartic to drone on about all of the components of my life that aren't working but I chose to make this blog public (although who the hell would take the time to read it is beyond me). So, I don't want to say anything too negative and have it come back to bite my ass. I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon...I suppose that's what she gets paid for. Actually, an idea just would be much easier and I could avoid having to drive anywhere if I could just blog all of the whining and lamentations and have her comment on them. High tech psychology. Just sitting here, I've come up with eight or so major issues that cause me great anxiety, sadness or just plain suck. And then there are all of the subcatagories thereof and there are certainly others that aren't jumping out. Most are related and interconnected in some form or fashion.

But back to the birthday thing. I've taken the day off from the POD. I've never worked on my birthday and plan never to start. It's not for any special reason since again, birthdays mean almost nothing to me. The tradition started back in late teens/early twenties (that's too far back to remember). I would sit alone and polish off a pint of vodka and reflect on the year gone by and the one yet to come. I've dropped the vodka part but continue with the other. When I look back on this last year, honestly, it seems to blend with the those preceding. The events may be different but the anxiety and depression are the same. Looking ahead, I'd like to think that things are going to get better. There are some of my current difficulties that just seem silly and I just need to fix them...of course that's always easier said than done. I don't want to be hubristic and say that things can't get worse because everyone knows that they can ALWAYS get worse. I just hope that my 38th year will be a bit easier to get through than its predecessor.

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