My therapist told me that I'm drowning and I had to decide whether to continue to flail or call for help. It was a fairly simple statement but the ramifications are huge. It's stuck in my gut (if that makes any sense) and I keep mulling it over...and over. I really don't know what to do with it.
Well, I had a tattoo session tonight. In fact, we finished the current project...cranes, iris blossom and pine bough. It's on my thigh and ass. It certainly hurts but there's a catharsis in it. I realize that's difficult to understand. Especially for those who have not been inked. It's almost like meditation. Your mind goes off to escape the pain and it's a rather pleasant, healing feeling. I have to admit that I when I thought to go to my "happy place", I couldn't picture my happy place. I kept thinking about it but decided that if you have to put that much thought into it, it's probably not an authentic "happy place". I don't know what that means or what kind of person it makes me but oh well. Quite frankly, I don't care.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Happy F***ing Birthday To Me
(It annoys me a bit to have to use the asterisks but I don't know if the site will censor profanity.)
Anyway, today is my birthday. At some point, I'll have to go in and change the age in my profile...wouldn't want anyone to think that I'm lying about my age. Especially since I don't really care. It didn't bother me to turn 30. It won't bother me to turn 40. The only thing that is causing some anxiety is that I've said that I'll buzz my head on my 40th birthday. At the rate I'm losing it, there likely won't be much left to buzz but the idea that it will officially be over...officially past "a little hair loss" and beyond "a bit balding" and full on, unadulterated old and bald (I'll most likely still be overweight so adding "fat" in there is just icing on the cake, which is partially responsible for the fat condition, ironically.)
Kevin and I started out the day with an arguement. Quite rightly, he's irritated and fed up me. I have an uncanny ability to make bad decisions and use poor judgement. I don't really know when I became that person. Kev has a well defined sense of right and wrong and I, inevitably, end up on the wrong side. I often wish that I could live up to his expectation but I also realize that it's never going to happen. I'm having a very difficult time right now...there seems to be more than a handful of things happening simultaneously that aren't necessarily pleasant. Some, I have no control over, some are direct results of the aforementioned bad judgement and some are just a mystery...I'm assuming that the latter is a combination of the other two.
It would be cathartic to drone on about all of the components of my life that aren't working but I chose to make this blog public (although who the hell would take the time to read it is beyond me). So, I don't want to say anything too negative and have it come back to bite my ass. I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon...I suppose that's what she gets paid for. Actually, an idea just hit...it would be much easier and I could avoid having to drive anywhere if I could just blog all of the whining and lamentations and have her comment on them. High tech psychology. Just sitting here, I've come up with eight or so major issues that cause me great anxiety, sadness or just plain suck. And then there are all of the subcatagories thereof and there are certainly others that aren't jumping out. Most are related and interconnected in some form or fashion.
But back to the birthday thing. I've taken the day off from the POD. I've never worked on my birthday and plan never to start. It's not for any special reason since again, birthdays mean almost nothing to me. The tradition started back in late teens/early twenties (that's too far back to remember). I would sit alone and polish off a pint of vodka and reflect on the year gone by and the one yet to come. I've dropped the vodka part but continue with the other. When I look back on this last year, honestly, it seems to blend with the those preceding. The events may be different but the anxiety and depression are the same. Looking ahead, I'd like to think that things are going to get better. There are some of my current difficulties that just seem silly and I just need to fix them...of course that's always easier said than done. I don't want to be hubristic and say that things can't get worse because everyone knows that they can ALWAYS get worse. I just hope that my 38th year will be a bit easier to get through than its predecessor.
Anyway, today is my birthday. At some point, I'll have to go in and change the age in my profile...wouldn't want anyone to think that I'm lying about my age. Especially since I don't really care. It didn't bother me to turn 30. It won't bother me to turn 40. The only thing that is causing some anxiety is that I've said that I'll buzz my head on my 40th birthday. At the rate I'm losing it, there likely won't be much left to buzz but the idea that it will officially be over...officially past "a little hair loss" and beyond "a bit balding" and full on, unadulterated old and bald (I'll most likely still be overweight so adding "fat" in there is just icing on the cake, which is partially responsible for the fat condition, ironically.)
Kevin and I started out the day with an arguement. Quite rightly, he's irritated and fed up me. I have an uncanny ability to make bad decisions and use poor judgement. I don't really know when I became that person. Kev has a well defined sense of right and wrong and I, inevitably, end up on the wrong side. I often wish that I could live up to his expectation but I also realize that it's never going to happen. I'm having a very difficult time right now...there seems to be more than a handful of things happening simultaneously that aren't necessarily pleasant. Some, I have no control over, some are direct results of the aforementioned bad judgement and some are just a mystery...I'm assuming that the latter is a combination of the other two.
It would be cathartic to drone on about all of the components of my life that aren't working but I chose to make this blog public (although who the hell would take the time to read it is beyond me). So, I don't want to say anything too negative and have it come back to bite my ass. I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon...I suppose that's what she gets paid for. Actually, an idea just hit...it would be much easier and I could avoid having to drive anywhere if I could just blog all of the whining and lamentations and have her comment on them. High tech psychology. Just sitting here, I've come up with eight or so major issues that cause me great anxiety, sadness or just plain suck. And then there are all of the subcatagories thereof and there are certainly others that aren't jumping out. Most are related and interconnected in some form or fashion.
But back to the birthday thing. I've taken the day off from the POD. I've never worked on my birthday and plan never to start. It's not for any special reason since again, birthdays mean almost nothing to me. The tradition started back in late teens/early twenties (that's too far back to remember). I would sit alone and polish off a pint of vodka and reflect on the year gone by and the one yet to come. I've dropped the vodka part but continue with the other. When I look back on this last year, honestly, it seems to blend with the those preceding. The events may be different but the anxiety and depression are the same. Looking ahead, I'd like to think that things are going to get better. There are some of my current difficulties that just seem silly and I just need to fix them...of course that's always easier said than done. I don't want to be hubristic and say that things can't get worse because everyone knows that they can ALWAYS get worse. I just hope that my 38th year will be a bit easier to get through than its predecessor.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Parking Bitches
So, I decided yesterday evening that it was a good idea to go downtown to a trendy little mall. Restoration Hardware, Pottery Barn, Banana Republic, Hard Rock, Williams-Sonoma...all the really cool places that always have dual names. Anyway, parking was a zoo, as usual. The lot is set up in a fairly orderly grid and I was waiting across a thruway, kitty-corner to a spot that was opening up. I had my blinker on and there was really no doubt as to why I was sitting there. So these two young (early twenties) bimbettes pull up in their Jetta in the thruway, right behind the spot that I 'd been waiting on. When they looked at me, I mouthed "mine", thinking that perhaps they just hadn't seen me at first, and then shook my head. They just giggled and laughed and zipped into the spot as soon as the previous occupant had vacated. I was livid!!
I'm really not one for confrontation...I usually just get on my cell phone to whine and bitch to whomever I can get a hold of. However, something snapped and I pulled in behind them, inches from the bumper, perpendicular to the offending Jetta. I just waited. The two girls nervously watched me in the mirrors and then started turning around and waiting for me to leave...I didn't. They tried to wait me out and it took them several minutes to work up nerve to exit their vehicle. When they did, I started yelling out of my window.
"What the f*** are you thinking?" They just stared at me with stupefied looks. Although, in all fairness, the vapid expressions may have been standard. "Are you really that f***ing precious or do you just enjoy being f***ing c***s (yes, I used the dreaded "c" word)?" They shied away without a word but continued looking over their shoulders.
So, I drove away and found another spot. All the way at the nether reaches of the lot. I had to walk by the Jetta as it was between my parking stall and the shops. I noticed that the girls were across the lot, in one of the fountained plazas looking back at their car/me. I'm not positive but I think they had their phone cameras pointed in my direction. It had never crossed my mind but I assume they thought I was planning on keying the doors or slashing the tires. I thought it funny.
I called one of my friends afterward and he came up with a great line to use. "If you are at all attached to that vehicle, you better move it now because it won't be here when you get back." I loved that and pictured the flabbergasted, mouths agape response it would have received. Kevin was a bit a of kill-joy when I repeated the whole thing and suggested that the alternate would have been construed as a serious threat and landed me in trouble. Spoil sport.
I'm really not one for confrontation...I usually just get on my cell phone to whine and bitch to whomever I can get a hold of. However, something snapped and I pulled in behind them, inches from the bumper, perpendicular to the offending Jetta. I just waited. The two girls nervously watched me in the mirrors and then started turning around and waiting for me to leave...I didn't. They tried to wait me out and it took them several minutes to work up nerve to exit their vehicle. When they did, I started yelling out of my window.
"What the f*** are you thinking?" They just stared at me with stupefied looks. Although, in all fairness, the vapid expressions may have been standard. "Are you really that f***ing precious or do you just enjoy being f***ing c***s (yes, I used the dreaded "c" word)?" They shied away without a word but continued looking over their shoulders.
So, I drove away and found another spot. All the way at the nether reaches of the lot. I had to walk by the Jetta as it was between my parking stall and the shops. I noticed that the girls were across the lot, in one of the fountained plazas looking back at their car/me. I'm not positive but I think they had their phone cameras pointed in my direction. It had never crossed my mind but I assume they thought I was planning on keying the doors or slashing the tires. I thought it funny.
I called one of my friends afterward and he came up with a great line to use. "If you are at all attached to that vehicle, you better move it now because it won't be here when you get back." I loved that and pictured the flabbergasted, mouths agape response it would have received. Kevin was a bit a of kill-joy when I repeated the whole thing and suggested that the alternate would have been construed as a serious threat and landed me in trouble. Spoil sport.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Remembered what I really wanted to post
I received a message from a friend via Facebook. She wrote something that REALLY struck me and still chokes me up just thinking about it. I wanted to include it here if for no other reason than to keep it.
She wrote: "I don't know if I've ever told you but you're the first ever person (& almost the only I've believed) to tell me I looked fabulous. It was New Year's Eve '90 & it meant the world to me. I SLAVED over that dress! So, just to let you know, I have never forgotten you."
I found this to be incredibly profound. It's amazing to me how a small comment, said off-the-cuff, could have such a lasting impact on someone. I'm sure that I was just reacting to how she looked and it wasn't a comment that was premeditated or contrived. But it struck a cord with her and stayed with her for the better part of two decades. It goes to show that we must always be aware of what we say. The potential, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem at the time, can have a profound impact on the listener. And that impact can be harmful as easily as it can be joyful.
It makes my tear ducts gear up thinking that I was able to give a "gift" to a friend of such lasting quality. None of the birthday or Christmas presents are even remembered anymore but that one comment endured. I hope that I've been able to leave similar impressions with other friends and acquaintances. I do think that those kind of moments are few and far between.
I also hope that I've not had too many of the opposite effects on the folks around me. I could just as easily have said something that was not intended to harm someone's feelings but it would have been just as easy to leave a negative mark. A scenario came to me when I was telling this story to my mom...if someone held up two dresses and asked which I liked better, one having been purchased and the other having been made by hand, it could have left a positive mark by choosing the homemade dress or a negative one by choosing the store bought. The point is that you can't always know or chose the impact you make so it's not as if you can strive to always be positive but it's certainly worth a shot.
She wrote: "I don't know if I've ever told you but you're the first ever person (& almost the only I've believed) to tell me I looked fabulous. It was New Year's Eve '90 & it meant the world to me. I SLAVED over that dress! So, just to let you know, I have never forgotten you."
I found this to be incredibly profound. It's amazing to me how a small comment, said off-the-cuff, could have such a lasting impact on someone. I'm sure that I was just reacting to how she looked and it wasn't a comment that was premeditated or contrived. But it struck a cord with her and stayed with her for the better part of two decades. It goes to show that we must always be aware of what we say. The potential, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem at the time, can have a profound impact on the listener. And that impact can be harmful as easily as it can be joyful.
It makes my tear ducts gear up thinking that I was able to give a "gift" to a friend of such lasting quality. None of the birthday or Christmas presents are even remembered anymore but that one comment endured. I hope that I've been able to leave similar impressions with other friends and acquaintances. I do think that those kind of moments are few and far between.
I also hope that I've not had too many of the opposite effects on the folks around me. I could just as easily have said something that was not intended to harm someone's feelings but it would have been just as easy to leave a negative mark. A scenario came to me when I was telling this story to my mom...if someone held up two dresses and asked which I liked better, one having been purchased and the other having been made by hand, it could have left a positive mark by choosing the homemade dress or a negative one by choosing the store bought. The point is that you can't always know or chose the impact you make so it's not as if you can strive to always be positive but it's certainly worth a shot.
Friends
First off, I just got around to posting a photo. My nephew was snuggling up to me to punish his mother. I don't usually get that kind of attention...unless I have a shark, dinosaur, car or other toy of interest. The beauty of childhood is the ability to shameless accept bribes without anyone thinking less of you.
There really hasn't been much happening since the last post so I'm struggling to come up with something to write about. I would like to acknowledge my sister-in-law. One of my coworkers, who has become a friend of sorts, divorced a couple of years ago. Her ex has custody of her two children. I overheard her on the phone with her daughter and pieced together that the father did not feel it necessary to buy new school clothes. My friend, quite rightly, said that everyone needed to start school with a new outfit. (However, my friend isn't able to afford to do too much above and beyond her child support payments.) So, I asked the daughter's size and called my sister-in-law. She works in the fashion industry and has a tremendous turn-over in her wardrobe. My thought was that she could donate something out of her closet. She said that she would see what she could find but that the size would probably not work. She then said that she'd go the warehouse of one of the currently trendy companies and see about getting some samples in the correct size. My admiration (which is not limited to her generosity) is great. She doesn't know my friend and likely will never meet her but is willing to go out of her way and likely use up a favor to help someone else out. I really am glad that she's been added to my family.
There really hasn't been much happening since the last post so I'm struggling to come up with something to write about. I would like to acknowledge my sister-in-law. One of my coworkers, who has become a friend of sorts, divorced a couple of years ago. Her ex has custody of her two children. I overheard her on the phone with her daughter and pieced together that the father did not feel it necessary to buy new school clothes. My friend, quite rightly, said that everyone needed to start school with a new outfit. (However, my friend isn't able to afford to do too much above and beyond her child support payments.) So, I asked the daughter's size and called my sister-in-law. She works in the fashion industry and has a tremendous turn-over in her wardrobe. My thought was that she could donate something out of her closet. She said that she would see what she could find but that the size would probably not work. She then said that she'd go the warehouse of one of the currently trendy companies and see about getting some samples in the correct size. My admiration (which is not limited to her generosity) is great. She doesn't know my friend and likely will never meet her but is willing to go out of her way and likely use up a favor to help someone else out. I really am glad that she's been added to my family.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Another day at the POD
Awhile ago, I came up with the nickname "Pit Of Despair" for my place of employment. It occurred to me only recently (which is probably very telling that it took so long) that the acronym is POD. It kind of fits; on several different levels.
So, the wonderful event of the day is that I am waiting my turn to go to the "doc-in-a-box" to be checked out for scabies. One of the kids on a crew that has nothing whatsoever to do with my office caught it and so everybody in the complex gets to be checked. (That's the abbreviated version, by the way.) For all of the faults that I could write about the POD, at least it's never dull. I would just like the surprises to be something that involves me getting money or happiness or boundless self confidence...not scabies. World Peace should probably be in there somewhere too but that's probably asking a bit much of the POD.
So, the wonderful event of the day is that I am waiting my turn to go to the "doc-in-a-box" to be checked out for scabies. One of the kids on a crew that has nothing whatsoever to do with my office caught it and so everybody in the complex gets to be checked. (That's the abbreviated version, by the way.) For all of the faults that I could write about the POD, at least it's never dull. I would just like the surprises to be something that involves me getting money or happiness or boundless self confidence...not scabies. World Peace should probably be in there somewhere too but that's probably asking a bit much of the POD.
Monday, August 18, 2008
First Shot At This
I've recently decided that I needed to make an effort to be more active, with-it, current or whatever is the correct description. The whole blogging, texting, facebook, link, myspace stuff has taken over and I haven't kept up.
I have to admit that the Facebook thing has been kind of cool. I've just started but I've already "linked" or whatever it's called with several friends that I haven't spoken to in decades. People that I didn't even think would remember me have either requested or responded to "friendship requests".
It just blows me away how far we've come in such a short time. Just twenty years ago, we didn't have little cell phones (I have two in my shirt pocket...one work and one personal), Wikipedia, things that can link you to long-lost friends with just a couple of key strokes and I remember when email was just starting and you had to have a huge string of characters to send one. And texting; damn. I watch my godchildren and 22 yr old secretary texting and it just blows me away. The can be talking to me and texting a friend at the same time...never once looking at their phone. I have gotten a lot better about being able to use it and I have to admit that it is handy. But my goddaughter had over 2,000 texts in one month. Read a book or something!! Anyway, if I have a particularly long text to send, I hand my phone to my secretary and have her take dictation...and she can entering it as fast as I can talk.
So, I, trying to stay current. Facebook and blogging are my first attempts (unless you count the cell phone) so even though I'm losing my hair at an alarming rate, I'm jumping into this big, vast jumble with both feet.
I have to admit that the Facebook thing has been kind of cool. I've just started but I've already "linked" or whatever it's called with several friends that I haven't spoken to in decades. People that I didn't even think would remember me have either requested or responded to "friendship requests".
It just blows me away how far we've come in such a short time. Just twenty years ago, we didn't have little cell phones (I have two in my shirt pocket...one work and one personal), Wikipedia, things that can link you to long-lost friends with just a couple of key strokes and I remember when email was just starting and you had to have a huge string of characters to send one. And texting; damn. I watch my godchildren and 22 yr old secretary texting and it just blows me away. The can be talking to me and texting a friend at the same time...never once looking at their phone. I have gotten a lot better about being able to use it and I have to admit that it is handy. But my goddaughter had over 2,000 texts in one month. Read a book or something!! Anyway, if I have a particularly long text to send, I hand my phone to my secretary and have her take dictation...and she can entering it as fast as I can talk.
So, I, trying to stay current. Facebook and blogging are my first attempts (unless you count the cell phone) so even though I'm losing my hair at an alarming rate, I'm jumping into this big, vast jumble with both feet.
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